even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
