Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
