Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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