life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
