the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
