I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
