I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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