You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
