Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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