Cold hands, warm shart.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think I won the penis lottery.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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