wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
