My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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