the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
