gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
