He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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