So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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