I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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