Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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