Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
