PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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