I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
