I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
