Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
