Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
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I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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