Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I fill condoms, not promises.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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