I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize