i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
