brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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