Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
