There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
