just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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