so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
