What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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