god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
