you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
