So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
