so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
