Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize