How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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