a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
