its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is that a dick in a sweater?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
