I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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