If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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