Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
