I wish my penis had an off switch
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3pm strippers are depressing
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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