and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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