Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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