Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
