I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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