Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love you. Go after that dick
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
