I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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