i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
