I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
