i was rollin on her like bob the builder
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
