The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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