cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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