The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
