Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
