At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
